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INTERVIEW WITH CIMIL on ROMANCE JUNKIES (In case you missed it!)
Describe the “perfect” hero for you.
My perfect hero can disco dance, likes to ride bulls, is an expert Hula Hooper, and is a fearless garage sale hunter. He enjoys long walks through dark, evil jungles, and doesn’t feel threatened by clowns. Or bugs. Or my pony. Or unicorn. He has tons of dough and a good lawyer because I always seem to end up in jail—something having to do with my lack of respect for human laws. Oh, hell. Any laws. Finally, I like my men super young. Say, two-thousand years old. Delish!
What are some of your favorite pastimes? Do you have any hobbies or collections?
I really enjoying collecting souls. Evil souls. I am told I have the largest collection in all the lands. The best part is when I make them dance to the Hokey Pokey. Oooh, yes. Good times. Good times.
What has been your biggest adventure to date?
Oh. I cannot tell you. Wouldn’t want to spoil the surprise ending. But I promise, this one is a doosy.
If your fairy godmother waved her wand and whisked you away to the location of your choice, which place would you choose, and why?
What? Someone let that bitch out of prison? If that’s the case, then I’d like her jail cell. Must hide…
When it comes to food, are you the adventurous type who will try anything once, or do you prefer to stick to tried and true foods and recipes?
When it comes to food, I’ll try anything. ANYTHING. I once ate a very large Maaskab priest. He was a bit chewy.
What is the one modern convenience that you cannot do without?
Well, I simply love spying on people. So without a doubt, my satellite. I’m watching you right now… (Muahahaha)
How do you describe yourself?
Bat shit crazy. Except on Sundays. Then I’m…monkey balls crazy!
How would your family and friends describe you?
Just bat shit crazy.
What is your favorite comfort food?
Monkey balls. But only on Sundays.
What is your favorite season?
Crab season, of course!
What do you love about it?
Catching fisherman. And crabs. But I don’t like catching fisherman with crabs. That’s just plain nasty.
LETTER FROM VOTAN: HAPPY JOYOUS NEW YEAR
I write you from the captivity of the sifting dimension, where time and space move with excruciating sluggishness and leave only my thoughts for passing the hours. Well, that and playing Paper, Scissor, Rock. Niccolo and forty others are here, too, and we must do something apart from wallowing.
However, with an abundance of time on my hands, I’ve been given the opportunity to review the facts pertaining to my situation—and to the situation of the impending apocalypse (and not that silly Mayan apocalypse people celebrated by eating 12-patty burgers—the burgergeddon from Carl’s Jr.— and pounding Mayan Margaritas at TGI Friday’s). I mean the real end of days set to occur in August of 2013, according to Cimil’s predictions.
But now, more than ever, I am convinced that Cimil is up to something. Something sinister. Yes. And I believe it all started with my brother Chaam, with his turn toward evil. If only we knew the truth about what really happened. Perhaps it is time to release him and ask.
I suspect his finger will point toward Cimil. After all, she has been the common thread at every turn. And while she claims her latest error (watching Love Boat reruns when she should have been keeping an eye on the future) was an honest mistake, I find it difficult to believe. Cimil is cunning and devious. She always has been and she always will be.
What I simply cannot deduce, however, is what she is up to. After all, her meddling has resulted in extraordinary blessings—finding my Emma, the love of my life, for example. Kinich and Niccolo would also both agree that finding their mates was well worth the trouble Cimil bestowed upon them.
So then what his her endgame? Why go through so much trouble to drive us toward true love only to simultaneously trigger the end of times?
Yes. That goddess is up to something. We must all be on the lookout for signs and clues. If she appears at your garage sale, take note of what she buys. If you encounter her in a café, count how many clowns she is with and if they are clothed or not. If you spot her with Roberto at the Quickie-mart…well, perhaps you should just run. She’s probably plotting to murder him with a Slim Jim.
I must go now. It is my turn to referee the next round of charades.
I wish you and your mortal loved ones a very joyous New Year!!
(aka Guy Santiago, God of Death and War)
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TRANSCRIPT OF INTERVIEW WITH VOTAN ON FACEBOOK:
MIMI: Votan, thanks for taking the time to join us. I know you must be really busy with your imprisonment, but first, let me congratulate you on winning the Favorite God Contest! You must be thrilled that you’re still so popular among us mortals.
VOTAN: Guy. The name is Guy. And I care not for petty popularity contests, but winning always pleases me; so I would like to extend my gratitude to the females who voted in my favor. Although…clearly there was no other rational choice, was there?
MIMI: Um. Okay. Well, I’m not sure. I guess it depends on the mortal. Lots of us ladies think Kinich could give you a run for your money. And Cimil, for example, is pretty popular. She’s even got her own shirts!
VOTAN: Cimil will also have her very own prison cell once I am freed.
MIMI: Alrighty, then. Changing subjects…
Guy, last we saw you, you were with Niccolo and several hundred of his vampire army, going inside a portal to the sifting dimension. You, he, and forty vampires never came out, and now the portals (and the entire sifting dimension, in fact) are sealed shut. Can you tell us what happened? Is everyone okay?
VOTAN: I cannot tell you what happened because we simply do not know. We attempted to exit through the portal, but found an impenetrable wall instead. And no. We are not “okay,” but we are still alive—not that I can die—if this is what you mean.
MIMI: What does it look like inside there?
VOTAN: This is difficult to explain to a mortal with such a small brain, but I will try. Imagine if you were a ghost living in the mortal world, invisible to all and unable to touch or feel anything in the physical world. The dimension we are now in is very much like that. We can see the images of objects, but they appear to us a holograms—imprints.
MIMI: Interesting. Maybe you’re right, my brain is too small to fully digest that, but whatever…Okay, well, I know we don’t have much time, so I’ll jump to the questions sent in by your fans—or people who just wanted bookmarks…no offense.
VOTAN: None taken. Bookmarks are important. Especially ones that have my image.
MIMI: LOL. Of course. This first question comes from Nadine:
I know that you and Emma been a little clucky as of late... Have you given any thought about baby names? Would you go traditional or contemporary?
VOTAN: If I am ever fortunate enough to have a child with Emma, the baby would be named “Girl” or “Boy.” These would be a very fine match to my name, “Guy” and Emma’s nickname, “Woman.”
Do you not agree?
MIMI: It’s a little strange, but you’re a deity, so I guess you get to do whatever you like. But, I thought you didn’t like your name, Guy. In fact, here’s a question from Hida:
You were asking Emma to call you something else like cupcake or hunk of burning love instead of GUY, which means that you don't really like GUY. I wanna know if you had a choice, what name would you pick for yourself?! And what's really wrong with Votan??!! (I really deeply love this name! It's so GODDISH!!) and we definitely will forgive you for whatever you've done in the past that you're ashamed of, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD CHANGE YOUR BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL NAME!!!!
VOTAN: In the beginning, I admit that the name “Guy” was not appealing. After all, I am not a “guy,” I am a god. A very deadly god who has taken the heads of many evil souls. In fact, I am ashamed by how much I used to enjoy killing; it was like a drug. This is something I am now coming to terms with.
However, Guy now possesses a certain sentimental value. Not that I am sentimental. After all, I am a god. A very deadly god who has little purpose for sentiment. But if I were sentimental, which I am not, I would tell you that when I hear Emma speak my new name, it reminds me of the most peaceful time in my life—the time I spent trapped in the cenote with only the sound of her voice. There was no killing or death, no Maaskab to hunt, no evil armies to smite. Of course, I much prefer being able to touch her and enjoy many hours of lovemaking. Aaah, yes. This pleases me.
MIMI: Good segue into the next question from Zandra, who asks:
You are aware that Emma is going to kill you (after she's done with the emasculation!!!!) for lying to her, so just wondering, what you plan to do to be forgiven?
VOTAN: What I have done cannot be forgiven. I have committed a betrayal of the most heinous sort. And I am not speaking of the lying. In any case, I am certain Emma and I will never be together again. Perhaps my brother Kinich was correct, gods and humans cannot be together.
MIMI: Ouch, Guy, I’m not sure what you did, but Emma loves you and knows what she signed up for. She’ll come around and forgive you. She has to.
VOTAN: Not for this. Never for this.
MIMI: Are you going to tell us what you did?
VOTAN: No. Emma must be the first to hear.
MIMI: Well, I guess that answers Damara’s question:
Just wanted to know if you are planning on marrying Emma sooner than later? As head over heels, hot and heavy you two are for one another, you should have sealed the deal s LONG time ago.
VOTAN: You are correct, Damara, I should have married her while I had the chance. But Emma wanted to wait. I believe she secretly hoped her grandmother could be saved and attend. Obviously, this was not in the cards. If I am ever given a second chance with Emma, however, I will not make the same mistake of waiting.
MIMI: The next question comes from Noel:
Guy, what was the very first thing that made you fall in love with Emma. And what do you think about this whole apocalypse thing your sister started because she had to watch the Love Boat?
VOTAN: I do not believe it was any one, particular thing that ignited my passion for Emma; she is smart, sexy, and feisty—she is a feast for the eyes and for my soul. But I do recall the moment I knew I could not live without her. It was when I pulled Emma, unconscious, from the cenote and saw her for the first time. It was as though a piece of my soul I never knew was missing had been found.
As for Cimil and her little Love Boat slip up, I think you know my feelings. She will be punished for eternity. I will personally see to it.
MIMI: Yikes. Poor Cimil. That doesn’t sound good. Well here’s the next question: What is your darkest fear?
VOTAN: Well, aside from the obvious—apocalypse, losing my beloved Emma, the planet being overrun by Maaskab, etc…--my darkest fear is erectile dysfunction. I shiver at the thought.
MIMI: Yes, that would be a downer (har har). Alejandra would like to know: If you could get a 'regular' job, what would it be? How many children would you like?
VOTAN: If I were mortal, I would like to be a pastry chef and have my own cookie shop. Number of children: I think one to two hundred would suffice. All boys exactly like me—strong, deadly, and extremely handsome. They would make a very fine army.
Do you not agree?
MIMI: A few hundred? Well, I guess if Emma is immortal, it’s possible, but I’m not sure she’d want to sign up for that. That’s a lot of babies and raising children is hard work.
VOTAN: Perhaps you are correct. I would be willing to compromise. Ten children, and 90 lovemakings per month. Yes, this would please me.
MIMI: Sounds good to me, Guy. Maybe your next deity gig should be God of Male Virility. I’m pretty sure your brother Chaam isn’t putting his powers to good use.
MIMI: All right, here’s another.
Let’s say you're going to stick where you are for a while, and Emma is so damn angry with you, she decides to hook up with Tommaso or someone else, what will you do when finding it out, and you know it's your fault that Emma's so furious?
VOTAN: This question is ridiculous! Emma would never want another man, even if she hates me now. And with Tommaso? That fiend? Impossible. She would not be so foolish to trust him twice. I think…
Hell! Dammit. If she so much as looked at another man I’d lock her up in my Italian villa. She is mine. Mine!
MIMI: Ouch. I think we touched a nerve. Sorry. Please don’t get mad. Just a few more questions…
Ally wants to know: If given the chance, would you walk away from being the god of war and death?
VOTAN: Yes. I grow tired of killing and fighting. I think I might enjoy being the Master of Bees. The free honey would be a pleasant compliment to my cookie baking hobby.
MIMI: Now that you mention your love of baking cookies, Bethany wants to know why you’re so obsessed with them?
VOTAN: They are crunchy and sweet. What is not to like?
MIMI: Good point! Cookies are the BEST. Last emailed question come from Tammy:
Guy, could you use your God powers and have Mimi wright a little faster and a lot more books to this series......PLEASE?
VOTAN: The gods are working on this as we speak. I must go now…THEY are coming…
MIMI: Who is they? Guy? Hello? I guess he’s gone everyone. Well, GUY, if you’re out there. Good luck with everything. We are cheering for you.
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WHICH GODS DIDN’T MAKE THE CUT?
Yes. It takes a lot to be a cover-god for Mimi Jean. And while hundreds of men try out, only an elite handful make the cut.
CHECK THEM OUT... (click on an image for a larger view)